Chex Is the Best Cereal and I'll Die on That Hill

I consider myself to be a pretty laid-back guy. I have a very hands-off approach to how other people conduct their everyday business and prefer to err on the side of neutrality when it comes to arguments, at least on things that don't matter.

At least until I find myself confronted head-on with a hard opinion on something I never knew I had until it was challenged. Such is the case with breakfast cereals. Specifically, Chex cereal, which in my opinion is the best cereal on the US market. Ever.

Please note my wording. I am not saying Chex is my favorite cereal. It's not (that would be Cocoa Puffs). What I'm saying is that, when it comes to the various qualities by which I judge my breakfast cereals, General Mills' Chex cereal is superior across all metrics. It's Best in Show. It's the gold medalist of the Cereal Olympics. Chex cereal is the god tier of cereals by which all other cereals should be judged.

Yes, I'm serious. Yes, I'm really blogging about this. No, General Mills isn't paying me to do this. Why would they? Like four people read this blog and one of them might be my mom.

Anyway, this is happening. Here's why Chex is the best cereal.

It's Versatile 

There are currently eight varieties of Chex cereal on the US market. Compared to the truly insane number of types of Cheerios that apparently exist (eight-fucking-teen!!!!), this doesn't seem like much. But unlike Cheerios, which are only ever made from oats, Chex can be made from rice, corn, or wheat. That gives you two gluten-free options to choose from if that matters to you, which is a stark contrast to most non-sugary breakfast cereals. Even Cheerios, which is safe for people with mild gluten intolerance, may be unsafe for people with Crohn's Disease.

But that's just the tip of the iceberg. Chex is a perfectly fine breakfast cereal but where it really shines is as a snack. They perfectly satisfy the desire to eat 9000 of something crunchy but without the sting of regret that comes with doing that with potato chips or Girl Scout cookies. You can mix them with peanut butter, chocolate, and powdered sugar and make the most delicious sweet treat of all time: Puppy Chow. Or you can just buy the version Chex already makes.

Then there is, of course, the one thing that sets Chex above the rest. Chex can do something no other breakfast cereal can: Chex can go savory. Chex Mix, anyone?

Chex is the Katharine Hepburn of the cereal world. Chex can play any role you give her. She'll deliver an award-winning performance every time.

It's Cheap and (Relatively) Healthy

Breakfast cereal is hardly a luxury item but it's also not entirely cheap. The sugary garbage cereals (i.e. the good shit) are relatively inexpensive and go on sale often but... well, they're sugary garbage. But good luck trying to justify a box of Kashi Go-Lean when you can barely afford the essentials.

Enter Chex. Plain Chex is dirt cheap compared to those bougie cereals while still packing a nutritional punch. It's got only two grams of sugar per serving and is fortified with half your daily recommended amount of Iron and Vitamin B6, not to mention a whole bunch of other vitamins and minerals. And, not counting the vitamins and minerals, Rice Chex only contains 6 ingredients: Whole grain rice, rice, sugar, salt, molasses, and vitamin E to preserve it. I bet even Michael Pollan would approve.

And the best part? Because of its reputation as bland and un-fun, you can buy Chex with WIC vouchers. You'll also likely find Chex at food pantries with its other supposedly bland and un-fun cousins like Cheerios and Corn Flakes. But you know better now. You know that Chex is neither bland nor un-fun. So the next time you see a box in the clearance aisle or at your local food pantry, snatch it up and revel in the giddy excitement you'll feel knowing you've got a diamond in the Poor People Food rough.

It's Just Fucking Tasty

Plain Rice Chex is neither sweet nor savory on its own. It's a blank canvas for any flavor you want to add to it. But personally? I like it just plain, too. Perhaps it's my delicate White People Sensibilities but sometimes bland and unassuming snacks are just what I want or need. The seasoned stuff is great (if Cinnamon Chex was a person, I'd marry her) but there's something oddly comforting about the blandness of plain Chex.

What I really like about Chex, however, is the texture. It's crispy, not crunchy. You don't have to work hard to chew it and it doesn't tear up the insides of your mouth the way some other cereals do. It feels good on the teeth and doesn't get stuck in your throat when you swallow. Eating them is a delightful mouth-feel experience.

And, because their structure is relatively sturdy, you don't end up with massive quantities of cereal dust at the bottom of your box. A family-sized box of Chex that I just finished while writing this produced about 1/4 cup of cereal debris. 1/4 cup out of approximately 17 cups of cereal. I'm not good at math but that seems like a pretty good deal.

In conclusion, Chex is the best cereal. Go buy some. If you do, I promise next week's blog post will be more interesting. See you next week. Be good. Make art.

How to Read More (And Whine Less About Wanting to Read More)

I don’t have any real friends so most of my conversations are with my mom. Lately, however, we’ve been having the same conversation over and over again:

Mom: Have you heard about/seen this thing?
Me: Nope. I’ve been reading.
Mom: Oh Wow must be nice. 😩😩😩 I wish I had time to read. 😩😩😩 But Alas, I am So Busy, finding time is So Hard,

And then she refreshes Facebook or whatever and I go back to the book or manga I’m reading on my phone.

I don’t mean to rip on my mom here (well, okay, maybe I do a little). It’s not even just her. I hear this same swan song every time I mention I’ve been reading more. Every time it comes up during idle chat with strangers or the five or so people with whom I regularly socialize, they always react the same way: How nice for you. I wish my life could be so simple and full of free time that I could waste it away on frivolous pursuits like reading books.

This sentiment chaps my ass in two major ways:

1. Reading books is not a frivolous pursuit.
2. You probably do have plenty of time to read and are just choosing not to.

I can’t overstate point number two enough. I can say with the utmost certainty that most people have time to read, they’re either just blinded by distractions or they don’t actually want to read more and are trying to save intellectual face. You're allowed to not like reading, you know. I sure as fuck don't get it, but I also don't care enough to try converting you. There are other ways to be good to your brain. Some people dig crossword puzzles--hell, my mom makes them for a living--but I can't stand them. To each their own.

This week’s post is for the people who genuinely do want to read more but find themselves scratching their heads when they try to make it work. If that’s you, I know exactly how you feel, because I was that same guy until last year when I decided I’d had enough of being that guy. As it happened, I had slightly more free time than usual since I’d just graduated from college. Upon reflection, however, I realized that the bonus free time wasn’t a necessity. It was just the thing that stripped away my remaining excuses.

You wanna read more? Good. You should. Here’s how.

Drop the Paperback

I have this cousin. She loves reading but she hates books. Like, she really hates books. She hates having to carry them around, she hates the tiny print, and she hates having to move her eyeballs around to absorb the information within them.

You know what she loves, though? Audiobooks. She can’t get enough of the damn things. Again, can’t relate, but who am I to tell someone they’re reading wrong? If she listens to the audio version of a book I read with my eyes, are we not both obtaining the same information? Can we not discuss it on equal footing? What's the difference? Spoiler alert: There isn't one.

Personally, I much prefer the eyeball-moving method of reading because I’m a very visual person. But you know what I do hate? Paper books. They’re easier on the eyes, sure, but they’re heavy and they stink and it’s super inconvenient to haul them around in addition to the other 950 things I have to remember when I’m leaving the house each day, especially if I need to carry more than one book at a time.

So, I read ebooks. Right on my phone, which I always have because I’m one of those dependent-on-technology types the Baby Boomers warned you about. I buy some on the Kindle store and rent others through sources like Libby and my local library. There are even reading apps, like Serial Reader for classic literature or Beelinguapp if you’re into foreign language learning. It’s the 21st century. Information is more accessible than ever before. We should be embracing that, not bashing people over the head with hardback books like some kind of nerdy barbarians. Don't be such a Luddite. You sound just like your [old-fashioned relative you hate].

Read Total Garbage

I have a confession: I love V.C. Andrews’s books. If the name sounds kind of familiar, she wrote Flowers in the Attic. If you have no clue who she is, you’re probably better off, and I’m sorry I put her into your circle of consciousness like that without asking first. V.C. Andrews was one of those highly formulaic writers, like Nicholas Sparks or Nora Roberts. Once she found something that worked, she wrote according to that formula and only that formula. Her body of work is massive but--and I say this with a certain degree of affection--if you’ve read one, you’ve read them all.

Her books read very much like stories written by the young teenage girls that star in them. The protagonist is beautiful and tortured, there are grotesque amounts of violence against women (almost exclusively at the hands of men), and the adults are always the bad guys, especially parents. There’s death, sex, drama, and so, so much teenage angst.

They’re garbage. But I like them. So sometimes I read them. And I’m clearly doing more reading than you are right now, otherwise, you wouldn’t be here. So put THAT in your frappuccino and suck it.

But in all seriousness, there’s no law that says you only have to read the highbrow stuff. Imagine telling someone who watches daytime talk shows that they’re only allowed to watch Masterpiece Theatre and Planet Earth from now on. The world might be slightly less stupid but it wouldn’t be nearly as colorful or fun. It’s good to roll around in the mud once in a while.

Just, you know. All things in moderation. Be sure to supplement your trashy novel diet with some cognitively healthier options. Like The Alchemist. Everybody likes The Alchemist.

Quit Social Media

The fact that you probably found this blog post through my Twitter account may make this smell of hypocrisy but hear me out. I’m not saying you should cut ties with all of the internet and go live in the mountains (unless you want to, then you should absolutely do that and take me with you). But you should seriously, at the very absolute least, limit your use of social media, if not eliminate it entirely from your life. You have no idea how much of your time it’s taking from you.

Social media fucks with the same part of your brain that gambling does. Every time you refresh Facebook, you’re pulling the slot machine handle to see if you can “win” notifications. The unpredictability keeps you coming back for more. Things like Snapchat’s streaks prey on our need to keep from “breaking the chain” of a routine. Social media is very carefully designed to keep us using it as often as possible. People spend an average of two hours on social media each day. Teens spend as many as nine! Nine!!

But what would happen if you cut the cord from all those apps, or even just most of them? What would you do with all those free hours? Might I suggest you READ A BOOK?

I’d spent years wondering why I stopped reading after I graduated high school. It was like my reading time had slipped right through my fingers like freshly-washed cotton candy and I couldn’t figure out where it went. It finally hit me when I was stuck in the psych ward a couple of years ago and didn’t have my phone or internet access. You know what I was doing instead? Reading books. Because that’s what I’d do when I didn’t have to worry about social media all the time, like when I was in high school and didn’t have a smartphone or social media (cuz they didn't exist back then).

Now, minus my Twitter account, I don't use social media. I read books instead. It’s made me a much happier and better-adjusted person, too. I no longer have to think about the Kardashians or my relatives’ racist opinions on sports mascots. I am free.

Dramatization of what deleting Facebook feels like.

Stop Making Excuses

If you really want to read more, you’ll read more. It’s just that simple. You’ll find a way to do it that works within the framework of your life. Maybe you’ll set aside an hour every day to read a book. Maybe you’ll start listening to audiobooks at the gym. Maybe you’ll challenge yourself to read a certain amount each week (I did that!). Fuck, start with comic books or graphic novels. Those totally count.

But no matter what you do, it’s going to take effort on your part. Especially now that culturally we’re so used to short-form reading and constant distractions. It’s uncomfortable to sit and focus on one thing for long stretches of time because that’s not how our world is structured anymore. Everything’s immediate. Things are much faster and in your face than they were 20 years ago.

It’s not going to feel good at first. The fact that you aren’t doing 60 things at once is going to feel unnatural and like a profound waste of your time. But since when has reading ever been a waste of time? What would LeVar Burton or Dolly Parton say to such abject nonsense? Do you really wanna break their hearts believing that books aren’t worth your valuable time?

At the end of the day, reading is a two-step process: Open book. Insert brain. There is no one on the planet who can’t do that to some degree or another. Figure it out.

See you next week. Be good. Make stuff.

How to Get Over Blank Page Syndrome and Just Fucking Write

Confession time: I don’t really have a set writing routine. A lot of professional writers will clutch their pearls upon hearing this. They’ll cry sacrilege. “You have to write every day!” They weep, “Or you’ll lose your magic writing powers forever!”

Yeah. That’s a lie.

If you needed to hear that it’s okay for you to not kill yourself trying to put words on pages every day of your natural life, consider this that moment. Everyone’s different. Your needs are different from Margaret Atwood’s are different from mine. Do what works for you.

That said, any writer worth their weight in salt knows that you do have to write at least semi-regularly, the same way you’d have to practice any skill at least semi-regularly to get better at it. But sure as God’s got sandals, there will always be obstacles that keep writers from doing the writing thing. Today we’re going to talk about one particularly nefarious issue: Blank Page Syndrome.

Even if you’ve never heard the term before, you probably know what it means and how it feels. There’s really nothing comparable to the fear and dread that can bubble up inside you every time you open a blank page or document and find yourself utterly devoid of words to put upon it.

Writers of all backgrounds and levels of experience hit this roadblock at least once in their lives. Hell, I even felt it a little bit writing this post. But it can be conquered. You can make that blank page your bitch. All you need is a set of tools to help you when Blank Page Syndrome strikes.

Give Yourself a Laughably Easy Bare Minimum

I know I just spent a couple paragraphs telling you not to sweat it if you don’t write every day but I really can’t understate the virtues of… well, writing every day. It’s just a matter of math; the more time and effort you put into a skill, the better you’re going to get. I’m sorry. I don’t make the rules. That’s just how it is.

But I also understand that putting words on a page every day can be daunting at best and face-tearingly horrendous at worst. Believe me when I say I empathize. If it were up to me, I wouldn’t even be writing this. I’d be taking a nap I neither need nor deserve.

So, instead of self-flagellating every time you fail to meet your goal, why not reevaluate your goal? Why not move the goal post a little closer until you’re consistently meeting those marks?

If you can’t write 1,000 words a day, why not write 500 words a day? Or, if you’re like me and have energy levels as consistent as Bitcoin prices, why not aim for a certain number of words per week?

Still too much? What about one paragraph a day? What about one sentence a day? Keep going lower and lower until you find a bar you can hit. Then, start there.

Even if a sentence a day doesn’t feel like much, those sentences will add up. Anyone who’s participated in National Novel Writing Month knows that it only takes 1,667 words a day to add up to a 50,000-word novel in one month. Small steps matter.

Don’t Get it Right, Get it Written

I have a Bachelor of Arts in Professional and Technical Writing. While I was in school acquiring this very useful degree that was totally worth the $53,000 of student loan debt I racked up in the process, much to my amazement, I learned a lot about writing. Sometimes, people with more knowledge and experience than you can actually offer useful insights on how to make you better. Who knew?

One of the things I heard over and over again was not to edit as you’re writing. Editing as you go was believed to be one of the cardinal sins of professional writing. Thou Shalt Not Edit While Drafting, my professors would wail every time they caught any of us meager ingrates so much as reaching for the Backspace key.

My blog is still fairly young, so allow me to tell you something important about me: I do not like being told what to do. I am stubborn and spiteful and I’ll probably die the stubborn and spiteful old curmudgeon I’ve been since conception. I like to be the rebel. I walk the unbeaten path. I see things a little differently.

Another thing you need to know about me is that I am a chronic edit-as-I-writer. I can’t help myself. I just really prefer editing to writing and even typing 90-100 words per minute I can't keep up with the shitty carnival sideshow of random thoughts constantly playing out inside my head.

I used to dismiss the constant warnings from my writing professors that I was just wasting time. "Editing is for later!" They'd tell me. "Don't get it right, get it written!"

Bah, I said. What's the point? Maybe it would matter if I had a separate person as an editor, but I have to do both jobs myself. Why not do them simultaneously?

To a certain degree, I still believe this. I don't think there's anything wrong with indulging the occasional editing tangent when you're writing if the spirit moves you a certain way. HOWEVER, time and experience have also shown me that a limit is necessary. The need to create perfect content on the first try can paralyze a writer, as it has paralyzed me time and time again, but your first try is not supposed to be perfect. Your first draft is your sketch. You might clean up a few lines here and there but ultimately you’re not going to be able to refine it to perfection until you have a basic layout to work with first. So quit putting that kind of pressure on yourself. It’s dumb and it doesn’t serve you.

By the end of my (first) senior year, that adage I'd once rolled my eyes at became a mantra I still chant to this day: Don't get it right. Get it written. If you find yourself worried that you’re not going to get it perfect on the first try, then congratulations. You are just like every other writer that exists.

Start at the Beginning… or Anywhere Else

I’ve recently taken up fanfiction writing as a hobby. It’s a nice way to flex my fiction muscles without having to come up with like, actual original characters and ideas. It’s also a good way to get me writing more often than I normally would. It’s also also a good way to get noticed by people on the internet, which is going to be convenient and splendid when I finally work up the muster to write my own stuff.

Here’s a screenshot from a fic I’ve been working on, on and off (mostly off these days), for about a month now:

For the record, YES, it IS Ace Attorney fanfiction.

As I’m sure you can tell, I did not write a beginning. Why? Because I couldn’t think of one.

Writing doesn’t have to start at the beginning of the story. If you find yourself stuck on a beginning, jump to a part where you’re not stuck. Writing an academic paper and can’t think of an introduction? Don’t write the introduction; start with the body. It might sound crazy, but think about it like this: How can you introduce a paper that doesn’t even exist yet?

There is no shame in jumping around to different parts of your project. Most movies aren’t shot chronologically; shooting schedules are often based on what locations, people, and props are available at the time, or by order of priority. Why shouldn’t writing be the same way?

This includes skipping the little things, too. Look back at my example photo; you’ll see there’s another double-bracketed placeholder reminding me to double-check the crimes Manfred von Karma committed because I couldn’t remember them all at the time I was writing. That’s allowed. You’re allowed to skip things you don’t know or can’t remember and come back to them later.

Of course, it’s easy to forget that you skipped a part of your project, so be sure to leave yourself an obvious placeholder to go back to when you’re ready. You can leave any kind of placeholder you like, but if you don’t want to think that hard, use the letters [TK], with or without brackets. Why? These two letters rarely show up next to each other in English words. It makes finding them with Ctrl+F waaaay easier down the road.

Just Fucking Write

Stephen King said it best: Amateurs sit and wait for inspiration. The rest of us just get up and go to work. Sometimes there is no life hack or sick trick to help you jump that hurdle between a blank page and a page with words on it.

So, the next time you find yourself suffering Blank Page Syndrome, just start writing. Write anything. It doesn’t even have to be relevant to the project you’re working on. Hell, write about how obnoxious this advice is or how much you hate this stupid project you have to do. Write your favorite fudge recipe from memory. I don’t care. You shouldn’t either. It’s not about the quality of the content right now. It’s about proving you have the power to string together words into some kind of intelligible order.

Blank Page Syndrome and all other forms of writer’s block are 90% a mind game. It’s not like your brain suddenly unplugged itself. You have the power to write inside you, no matter how mentally constipated you feel. So do it. Do it terribly if you have to. In fact, I encourage it. Write some absolute garbage, have a good laugh about it, and then get back on the horse.

When the founder of PaperDemon.com, BogusRed, was in art school, she had a professor who said something to the effect that every artist has about 10,000 really shitty drawings inside of them. Like, no matter what you do with them, those 10,000 drawings are just going to be the worst things you’ve ever created. But once those 10,000 are out of your system, you’re golden.

The idea is this: Sometimes, you’re just going to produce shit. Everyone does. Including and especially myself. This blog ain’t exactly Shakespeare. That’s perfectly okay. Don’t let it matter. If every pork chop were perfect, we wouldn’t have hot dogs.

If you’re really, truly stumped and struggling, then take a break. Get up. Walk away. Get a drink. Give yourself at least five minutes. Then come back and try again.

Don’t let your brain play games with you. Make that blank page your bitch. It’s just a sheet of paper or some glowing lights on a screen. It can’t hurt you.

And, if all else fails, just remember that the Fifty Shades of Grey books were formed from Twilight fanfiction, not professionally edited, and still became a bestseller with a movie deal. Shitty writing gets published every day and great writing gets ignored every day. The whole publishing industry is subjective and meaningless. So just write, for fuck’s sake. It doesn’t have to be good. You wrote it and no one else did. That’s good enough.

See you next week. Be good. Make art.

Have a suggestion or request for next week’s topic? Hit me up on Twitter or leave a comment below!

How Satanism Taught Me to Love Myself

I held a Twitter poll on Monday asking you guys what you'd like me to write about. Here are the results:

As you can see I ended up with a tie. So, naturally, I picked the topic with the fewest votes. Why? Partly because I like being contrary, partly because it seemed like a fun alternative to traditional tie-breaking methods, and finally because it keeps with the self-love theme I've been accidentally doing this month.

That's right. Grab your bats, lads. We're not done beating this dead self-love horse after all.

So, What, You Worship the Devil?

Not exactly. Before I go on, let's clarify some things about Satanism. Just like any other religion, there are multiple sects of Satanism, and they're all pretty different from one another in terms of theology and practice. Some Satanists believe that Satan is a real entity. Others (like me) believe in Satan as more of a symbol. Some believe in magic while others don't. NONE of them believe in child sacrifice, cannibalism, or blood orgies. Satanism likely has its fair share of crazies and extremists, but I would argue that it just serves as proof positive that Satanism is a valid religion, since every religion has its fair share of crazies and extremists. Westboro Baptist CHURCH, anyone?

The two major branches of Satanism, or at least the two I know best, are LaVeyan Satanism (The Church of Satan) and The Satanic Temple, which is less mystical and more political. There are more, like the Temple of Set and The Order of the Nine Angels, but I neither know much nor care about them. This ThoughtCo article is a good primer for those who want to know more. 

My background is in LaVeyan Satanism, and I'm still quite inexperienced. I've only really started consuming Satanic literature within the past couple months. So, head's up, that's where I'm coming from in this article.

My Relationship with Satan

Like most kids who went through a goth phase in high school, my first encounter with Satanism was as a teenager. My cousin got a copy of The Satanic Bible that I paged through and found enticing, if for no other reason than I thought the iconography was cool. My interest pretty much stopped there, though. I was fifteen. The only books I cared about were Harry Potter and Maximum Ride.

What drew me back to Satanism was a random wiki walk. I couldn't remember the name of The Satanic Temple and I didn't know the difference between them and LaVeyan Satanism. Before I knew it, I was balls-deep in Satanic literature and hunting down a copy of The Satanic Temple's "holy book," Revolt of the Angels (which was conveniently on Serial Reader), which gets the Ghost Malone Award for the Most Obnoxious Flowery Language in All of Literary History. And yes I'm including Gerard Manley Hopkins, who I also hate. Revolt's story was good, though. I think it'd make a good movie.

Anyway, once I finished Revolt, I tackled The Satanic Bible next. It was way harder to find a copy of that in my conservative Ohio suburban town (go figure!) so I ended up pirating a copy. Luckily, pirating books doesn't go against my religion. ;) 

I was honestly expecting not to enjoy it. I went into the book with the firm belief that LaVey was a massive tool with delusions of grandeur and I figured his book would read that way. In many ways, it did. But the sheer amount of mind-blowing wisdom buried within the bullshit surprises me even now, weeks later. 

Satanism empowered me. It helped me rationalize my needs and desires and reaffirmed that my business is nobody's problem as long as I'm not hurting anybody. It's taught me to celebrate my humanity instead of resenting it. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. As it turns out, The Satanic Bible is just as much a religious text as it is a self-help book. Eckhart Tolle, eat your heart out.

Here's a highlight reel of what I learned.

The Church of Satan's Nine Satanic Statements

Satanism Focuses on the Here and Now

A lot of religions focus mostly on preparing your spirit for the afterlife. Christianity tells you not to sin or you'll go to Hell. Hinduism tells you not to sin or karma will punish you. Even Buddhism tells you that if you don't let go of all the things you're attached to you'll be doomed to an eternity of shitty reincarnations instead of achieving Nirvana.

But what if you don't believe in an afterlife? What if you don't even care?

Satanism believes that your mortal existence is FAR more important than what comes after. After all, we don't even know if there IS an after! We have no idea what that after is if it does exist. For all we know, death is just followed by darkness of which we'll never be conscious. The deepest of sleeps.

So, does it really make sense to focus on something that might not exist, especially when we have needs right now? I say fuck Heaven or Hell, let's deal with life on Earth first! There's over 7 billion of us and we all have like 80 years of time to kill. We might as well do something meaningful with that time.

Satanism Recognizes that Helping Everyone Helps You

Satanists can be both theistic or atheistic (I'm the latter). But the primary "god" of all Satanic belief systems is YOU. You personally. The individual Satanist. You are your own god! You are the most powerful being in your life and you deserve worship and adoration from people who make you happy. How fucking empowering and amazing is that?

It's completely fair at this point to believe that Satanists are self-absorbed assholes and you would probably be right in many cases. But a proper Satanist, including LaVey himself, recognizes that we as individuals don't exist in a vacuum. Satanism is a religion that celebrates ALL aspects of humanity, including our relationships and places in greater society. Freedom of personal expression, sexual freedom, and basic human rights are all threads of the Satanic tapestry. Half of The Satanic Temple's Seven Tenets are all about believing in everyone's individual right to live exactly as they are as long as they're not hurting anybody. The fourth of LaVey's Nine Satanic Statements expresses the exact same idea: 

Satan represents kindness to those who deserve it instead of love wasted on ingrates!

Granted, LaVey is a little more aggressive about it, but I'd argue that he's right. There's no point in going out of your way to be nice to someone who is never going to be nice to you. You're just wasting your energy. To quote LaVey again, "don't waste your time with people who will ultimately destroy you, but concentrate instead on those who will appreciate your responsibility to them, and, likewise, feel responsible to you."

Satanism Believes Questioning Everything, Including Satanism

Curiosity and skepticism are two vital aspects of Satanic belief. LaVey understood that time changes everything and our species's survival depends on changing, too. To accept things as they are is to stunt the growth of civilization. Revolt of the Angels by Anatole France centers entirely on this idea. One of the main characters is an angel named Arcade who decides to orchestrate a second uprising against God after finding enlightenment in the personal library of an aristocratic French family circa the French Revolution.

Much as I hated how needlessly fluffy the writing is (it's a product of its time I GUESS), Revolt told an amazing story with a philosophical backbone made of titanium. I won't spoil the ending but Lucifer turns out not to be a tempter or evil being but a deeply introspective and curious angel shot down by a belligerent and megalomaniac god.

And not for nothing, but I've been reading the Old Testament on Serial Reader (this is starting to sound like a commercial for them lmao), and that God is waaay more like France's depiction than any other I've seen.

Satanism Assured Me That Suffering Is Natural but Not the Norm

My adolescence was not easy and the things I went through shaped a lot of my early adulthood and still touch parts of my identity to this day. Saying my relationship with my late father was tumultuous would be putting it mildly. I'm not ashamed to admit that when he died the summer I graduated high school, the first thing I felt was relief. Relief for myself at first but also for him, in a way. He suffered terribly at the end of his life and the vast majority of his abuse was a side-effect of that suffering. That doesn't make it right, but it does make it easier to reconcile and forgive now that he's been a pile of ashes of almost ten years.

Life is unfair and sometimes it's cruel. There's nothing we can do about that. But that doesn't mean we have to like it. That doesn't mean we shouldn't strive to make things better. And it sure as hell doesn't mean we should just lie down and accept the things that cause us pain unless there's a really damn good reason for it. Like, for example, getting vaccinated despite the momentary discomfort and factually nonexistent chance of developing autism. Or participating in the democratic system that depends on universal participation in order to function healthily despite the inconvenience or feeling of ennui. Go fucking vote.

In fact, not only should we strive to amend unnecessary suffering in our lives, Satanism encourages the active seeking of things that make us feel good. LaVey wanted us to fill our lives with things that spark joy just as much as Marie Kondo does now. He was just way weirder about it.

Thanks, Satan!

I've learned a lot about personal development and human behavior in the past one and a half years as a Fabulous blog writer. So much of the first half of The Satanic Bible jives completely with the philosophies of some of my favorite behavioral scientists like Brené Brown and Dan Ariely. There's also a correlation to the Stoic philosophy of ancient Greece (something I've written about for work), that believes in self-awareness and a constant strive for personal improvement. 

Despite being a tool and a DEFINITE product of his time, LaVey really hit the nail on the head with his major religious beliefs and I take pride in aligning myself with them. I disagree with about as much of The Satanic Bible as I agree with--if you ask me, everything after "The Book of Earth" is unnecessary fluff and hyper-mystical bullshit--but not only is that okay, my eye-rolling was preemptively encouraged by the man himself right in the book. He wouldn't want us to take his word for granted. Satanism encourages challenges and, when necessary, change.

I think that's ultimately what won me over. In my mind, Satanism consists of three pillars (an Unholy Trinity, if you will): Self-actualization, Education, and Humanity. And frankly, those are thee major beliefs I can absolutely get behind.

Plus, I still think the iconography is cool. Turns out it actually wasn't a phase, Mom. It is, in fact, who I am.

Be good. Make art. Hail Satan.

Take Care of Your Beautiful Goddamn Self for Once: A Self-Care Resources Roundup

So you may have noticed I changed my blog name. The shortest answer to why is that I’m still trying to figure myself out and I like this new name more. That’s all I have to say about that. Let’s get to the good stuff.

I didn't mean for February to be a month-long celebration of self-love on this blog but now that I have the idea I'm choosing to run with it. I also hope no one minds that I’m phoning it in a bit this week. I’m just working through some shit. You know how it goes.

Ayway, for this week I'm going old-school with another roundup. This time, I'm showcasing all of the resources I've ever used and gotten use out of when it comes to taking care of myself. I'm including (Android)¹ apps, websites, books, and any other odds and ends I can think of. If I've consumed it and it made me a better person, it's on here.

Let’s Ride.

Android Apps

Booster Buddy

Free-ninety-nine. A Canadian-based app where you do self-care or CBT activities to care for a virtual animal buddy.

Calm

Free but also has a paid subscription. A meditation app and website that I honestly just use for the soundscapes because they're gorgeous.

Insight Timer

A meditation app on steroids. There's something for everyone.

Fabulous

Free but also has a paid subscription. A digital life coach and habit tracker. I like it so much I got a job with the development company!

(Offtime)

Free as hell. Pauses notifications and blocks app usage for timed periods so you can focus on other things.

Websites

You Feel Like Shit

An interactive self-care guide/flowchart geared toward those with mental illness.

7 Cups

A mental health-focused social platform with one-on-one support chat, guided and unguided group chats, and even a (paid) therapy service. Also has an app.

Emotional Baggage Check

Anonymously vent to a stranger and receive advice in return. Or, you can receive other people’s “baggage” and give support.

Psychology Tools

A free compendium of CBT worksheets and other therapy resources.

Written? Kitten!

A basic word processor that rewards wordcount milestones with pictures of kittens. Now also features puppies and bunnies.

Open Puppies

Random puppy gifs.

MyNoise

Free MASSIVE database of sound generators. A one-time donation of any value unlocks a gazillion bonus features forever. I've personally corresponded with the creator, Dr. Stephane Pigeon, and am in MyNoise's top 1% of donors. I can't recommend MyNoise enough. Also has an app.

Habitica

Free with some paid features. Habit tracker and to-do list with RPG character development elements. Oodles of fun. Also has an app.

No More Ramen

Easy, budget-friendly recipes for people with no time, no energy, and no money. Very disability-friendly. Run by an angel.

Books

Feeling Good (David D. Burns, M.D.)

Dr. Burns didn’t invent cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) but he is the guy who made it famous. His book, Feeling Good, is specifically designed to be a manual for patients to read. He's even tested its effectiveness; people who read his book tend to feel better after, especially when it's used as a supplement for talk therapy. But when that's not possible, Feeling Good is a scientifically-backed great place to start. You can also view his TEDx talk about CBT here.

On Writing (Stephen King)

As a long-time struggling writer, Stephen King's On Writing was like a hug with words. I come from a big family of King fans but have only read a couple of his books myself. I finally get the appeal now. I have a list of King books on my to-read list now.

The Social Leap (William von Hippel)

The story of the evolutionary history of humans. This may seem like a weird entry but von Hippel's use of evolutionary science to explain human behavior brings about some remarkable insights.

Everything Else

The Best Bedtime Setup Money Can Buy

Listen. You spend a third of your life asleep. You owe it to yourself to get the best sleep you possibly can. Be a cheap bastard in all other aspects of your life but for the love of Lucifer give your bedroom the attention it deserves. Good mattress. Better pillows. Blackout curtains. Gentle alarms. Do it all and more.

Self-Dates

Being a bit of a lifelong word nerd, I definitely have favorite words. One of them is a word I learned about a couple years ago: Masturdating. The fine art of taking yourself on a date. You don’t need other people to have a good time; take yourself out to lunch or go to the movies. Enjoy some time alone. Learn to love yourself. It’s what RuPaul would want.

Final Thoughts

I think I've finally beaten the self-care horse hard enough. I have no plans for next week's post right now so feel free to suggest something in the comments or on Twitter, @ghost_h_malone. I usually try to have a topic solidified by the end of Monday. Maybe I'll do a poll. Polls are fun.

Anyway, see you next week. Be good. Make art.

Footnotes:

1: Many of these may also be on iOS, I just don't know because I don't have an Apple device. Sorry. I'd look them up but... well, I'm equal parts lazy and petty and when I research apps, other bloggers usually do the opposite. So put that in your frappuccino and suck it, Apple users.

Ghost Malone's DEFCON 1 Self-Care Survival Guide: Part 2

So last week I posed the first part of a self-care guide for when you’re at the bottom of your personal Pit of Despair and just need a metaphorical log to keep you afloat. Hopefully, now that you’re here, you’re reading to move onto part 2 of our multi-part Pit of Despair Escape Plan. Hooray!

If you’re not ready, though, don’t beat yourself up. Just keep handling Part 1 stuff and feel free to read this as a means of looking ahead. Getting better doesn’t happen overnight. Even the common cold stays with you for at least a week.

Once you’re fed, watered, and rested, you can start turning your attention to tackling things that actually feel as beneficial to your well-being as they are. It’s understandably hard to see how a glass of water can cure your depression (spoiler alert: It won’t because mental illness is more nuanced than that) but the activities I list below have measurable, quantifiable benefits to your health. They’re the next stepping stone out of the Pit and into Functioning Adult Land.

Easy Mode

The first batch of suggestions I’m making are things that cost relatively few spoons. Your mileage may vary regarding how much you can accomplish but the bare minimum versions are a perfectly fine start.

レッツ スタート!

Good Hygiene

When you’re rolling in the dirt of your Pit of Despair, you could likely not give a single fuck about how you look or smell, and understandably so. You have more important things to worry about, after all, like not dying.

But now that you’re beyond the tyranny of the moment, you might want to hop in the shower, because you probably do stink.

I’m not trying to say that you need to be prim and pressed at all times in order to be a functioning adult. As if! What I am saying, however, is that you’ll feel better after you rinse all that residual Pit of Despair grime off of you.

If showers are beyond you right now, find the middle ground. Wash your face and brush your teeth. Run a brush through your hair. Hell, hit your Tits, Pits, and Naughty Bits with a couple of baby wipes.¹ Do what you can with what you have. That’s the lesson I really want you to take away from all this.

Stretching and Massages

You probably haven’t been moving around too much between all the resting I asked you to do and all the the time you had to spend in bed with The Sads™. That’s okay! Your body probably needed it. Taking time to get that rest is part of what all those hippie self-care gurus call listening to your body. You were tired, so you rested. Good job!

This isn't the pic I wanted but now that I know it exists it sure as hell is the pic you're getting.

But you’re probably sore and stiff now. You might have even been sore and stiff before your rest period. That is also completely understandable.

Full-on exercise might be out of the question but I highly recommend you at least start moving your body around a little. Stretching is perfect for this; you don’t even have to leave your bed to get a couple good stretches in. I’d even also recommend massaging yourself to help loosen up all that stiffness.

Or, get someone else to massage you, I guess, if you’re of those fancy assholes with money or friends.

IMPORTANT NOTE: Artists and writers are especially susceptible to wrist and elbow problems due to the nature of our work! Please please please, for the love of Satan himself, make wrist stretches a regular part of your daily routine. I highly recommend starting with this Allegiance Health video that shows you a few basic moves. It’s part of a larger playlist that addresses all your joints, so if you have other joint discomfort-related needs, check out the other videos, too!

Hobbies

One of the worst obstacles I’ve faced while Freelancing While Sick is figuring out how to justify my personal time while knowing I could be working. I feel like I should be hustling 24/7 because I’m not in a financial position to slack, even for a second.

But the “hustle or die” culture we live in is a bunch of unsustainable bullshit. It’s a mindset we’ve collectively cultivated due to everyone but a couple dozen people being completely fucked by the modern western economic model. All of us unlucky bastards are stuck scrambling for better and more efficient ways to get the few crumbs we’re offered while people like Bill Gates and Jeff Bezos hoard more money than their entire family could reasonably spend in one lifetime like the crusty old (and white) (and male) dragons² they are.

It’s cruel and unfair but this reality makes it that much more important that you carve out time for yourself. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: You need rest. Your body, your mind, and your spirit (or consciousness or whatever you wanna call it) all need time to unplug and decompress from the demands of your life, now more than ever.

So, do something you love. And fuck everyone who tries to stop you. Especially Jeff Bezos.

Meditation/Mindfulness

Let me stop you before you can fire up your angry comment soundboards. I’m not stupid and I assume you aren’t either. When I say you should consider meditating, I’m not saying it’s going to cure all your problems and I’m not saying it’s got anything to do with spirituality or mysticism or any bullshit like that.

When I suggest meditation, I’m suggesting it from a psychological and physiological point of view. Taking deliberate time to relax your mind and focus on your breathing is good for you. And the best part of meditation is that it’s highly customizable. You can meditate in silence, to music, to a guided meditation program, or to the sound of your Tibetan singing bowl if you’re that person. If you have no idea where to start, I highly recommend Palouse’s 8-week Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction course. It’s 900% free and will teach you everything you need to know.

If meditation specifically isn’t your bag, try just injecting some mindfulness into your everyday life. Try to put yourself into the present moment 100%. Engage all your senses the next time you do the dishes or work on an art project. The most important part of mindfulness is getting out of that dark corner of your mind where all the bad thoughts are and into a calmer, more productive mental space.

Expert Mode

For this tier, I’ll recommend things that might require more time, energy, and money than what may currently be at your disposal. If you can do these things, however, you absolutely should.

Exercise

Our bodies were made to move. We evolved in the African savannah to walk and run long distances, swim across rivers, and throw rocks at predators. We needed those things to survive.

The good news is we don’t really have to throw rocks to scare off threats anymore (though sometimes I wonder if we should start again). The bad news is your body still wants to move around on a fairly regular basis or it will get fat and sad. Trust me. I’m sedentary and I am also fat and sad. I also thought there was no way exercise would make me feel better emotionally until I tried it and it worked. Fuck me, right?

A hard but satisfying workout floods your body with feel-good hormones like dopamine, a powerful weapon in your fight against Despair. It also increases your overall health, which will make you feel physically better in the long run. How you choose to work out is up to you. Go for a run, lift some weights, or just dance around your room in your underwear while screaming along to Kim Petras songs. The best exercise routine is the one you’ll stick with. So do what you love.

Outside/Nature

Did you know the Japanese have a word for nature walks? They call it shinrin-yoku, or “forest bathing,” and the Japanese government popularized the practice in the late 80s to early 90s as a public health initiative.

The simple fact is that spending time in nature is good for you. Tiptoeing through the tulips can lower your blood pressure, reduce the amount of stress hormones in your body, and even boost your immune system. All of which are magnificent stat boosts to your mental health.

But don’t be mindless about it. Don’t just get into nature, engage with it. Listen for birds. Smell the air. Take your time with it. And maybe knock back a couple of antihistamines before you go if you’re, like me, allergic to every plant and animal.

Medical Assistance

This is going to be another one of those instances where I suggest you do as I say and not as I do. When you’re suffering, getting medical help can be the most effective way to alleviate that suffering. A therapist can help you unravel all those bullshit thoughts in your head that are keeping you down. A psychiatrist can deduce the perfect cocktail of drugs to keep your brain chemistry on the up and up. Hell, even a routine visit from your primary care doctor might reveal an underlying physical health problem, like an underactive thyroid.

So, if you have the means, please see a doctor, if for no other reason than I am not a doctor and can’t help you the way a medical professional can. Just because I have an experience-based distrust of the doctors in my particular area should not dismiss all the actually good doctors and nurses out there that genuinely want to help. It might take a while to find a doctor you feel comfortable with but try not to let that discourage you. Like finding the perfect Tumblr theme, it’ll be worth sorting through all the bullshit in the end.

What Now?

This concludes my DEFCON 1 Self-Care Survival Guide. Next week, I’ll be doing another roundup, this time of self-care resources that I personally use (or have used). Because I am both broke as hell and a cheap bastard, these resources will either be free or close to it.

If there is only lesson you learn walking away from this guide, it’s that the quickest way to getting better is playing the hand you’re dealt to the best of your ability. There is no one-size-fits-all cure for mental illness because we are all unique in our circumstances and our problems. What works for me might be completely useless for you. The suggestions I’ve listed in this and last week’s posts are, in my experience, universally beneficial, but they’re only the beginning. Remember, this is DEFCON 1. This is the bare minimum you need to achieve basic human functioning. Beyond this point, your self-care needs are going to become highly individualistic. It’s also going to change over time.

Just remember to do your best with what you have. That’s the secret to getting better: focusing on what you can control and working within the guidelines set by the universe.

I’ll see you next week. Be good. Make art.

Footnotes:

1: I very recently found out that this is called an Ohio Shower and as an Ohioan I have never felt so seen and so called out at the same time.

2: Leave it to rich old white dudes to somehow make dragons gross and uninteresting.