Chex Is the Best Cereal and I'll Die on That Hill

I consider myself to be a pretty laid-back guy. I have a very hands-off approach to how other people conduct their everyday business and prefer to err on the side of neutrality when it comes to arguments, at least on things that don't matter.

At least until I find myself confronted head-on with a hard opinion on something I never knew I had until it was challenged. Such is the case with breakfast cereals. Specifically, Chex cereal, which in my opinion is the best cereal on the US market. Ever.

Please note my wording. I am not saying Chex is my favorite cereal. It's not (that would be Cocoa Puffs). What I'm saying is that, when it comes to the various qualities by which I judge my breakfast cereals, General Mills' Chex cereal is superior across all metrics. It's Best in Show. It's the gold medalist of the Cereal Olympics. Chex cereal is the god tier of cereals by which all other cereals should be judged.

Yes, I'm serious. Yes, I'm really blogging about this. No, General Mills isn't paying me to do this. Why would they? Like four people read this blog and one of them might be my mom.

Anyway, this is happening. Here's why Chex is the best cereal.

It's Versatile 

There are currently eight varieties of Chex cereal on the US market. Compared to the truly insane number of types of Cheerios that apparently exist (eight-fucking-teen!!!!), this doesn't seem like much. But unlike Cheerios, which are only ever made from oats, Chex can be made from rice, corn, or wheat. That gives you two gluten-free options to choose from if that matters to you, which is a stark contrast to most non-sugary breakfast cereals. Even Cheerios, which is safe for people with mild gluten intolerance, may be unsafe for people with Crohn's Disease.

But that's just the tip of the iceberg. Chex is a perfectly fine breakfast cereal but where it really shines is as a snack. They perfectly satisfy the desire to eat 9000 of something crunchy but without the sting of regret that comes with doing that with potato chips or Girl Scout cookies. You can mix them with peanut butter, chocolate, and powdered sugar and make the most delicious sweet treat of all time: Puppy Chow. Or you can just buy the version Chex already makes.

Then there is, of course, the one thing that sets Chex above the rest. Chex can do something no other breakfast cereal can: Chex can go savory. Chex Mix, anyone?

Chex is the Katharine Hepburn of the cereal world. Chex can play any role you give her. She'll deliver an award-winning performance every time.

It's Cheap and (Relatively) Healthy

Breakfast cereal is hardly a luxury item but it's also not entirely cheap. The sugary garbage cereals (i.e. the good shit) are relatively inexpensive and go on sale often but... well, they're sugary garbage. But good luck trying to justify a box of Kashi Go-Lean when you can barely afford the essentials.

Enter Chex. Plain Chex is dirt cheap compared to those bougie cereals while still packing a nutritional punch. It's got only two grams of sugar per serving and is fortified with half your daily recommended amount of Iron and Vitamin B6, not to mention a whole bunch of other vitamins and minerals. And, not counting the vitamins and minerals, Rice Chex only contains 6 ingredients: Whole grain rice, rice, sugar, salt, molasses, and vitamin E to preserve it. I bet even Michael Pollan would approve.

And the best part? Because of its reputation as bland and un-fun, you can buy Chex with WIC vouchers. You'll also likely find Chex at food pantries with its other supposedly bland and un-fun cousins like Cheerios and Corn Flakes. But you know better now. You know that Chex is neither bland nor un-fun. So the next time you see a box in the clearance aisle or at your local food pantry, snatch it up and revel in the giddy excitement you'll feel knowing you've got a diamond in the Poor People Food rough.

It's Just Fucking Tasty

Plain Rice Chex is neither sweet nor savory on its own. It's a blank canvas for any flavor you want to add to it. But personally? I like it just plain, too. Perhaps it's my delicate White People Sensibilities but sometimes bland and unassuming snacks are just what I want or need. The seasoned stuff is great (if Cinnamon Chex was a person, I'd marry her) but there's something oddly comforting about the blandness of plain Chex.

What I really like about Chex, however, is the texture. It's crispy, not crunchy. You don't have to work hard to chew it and it doesn't tear up the insides of your mouth the way some other cereals do. It feels good on the teeth and doesn't get stuck in your throat when you swallow. Eating them is a delightful mouth-feel experience.

And, because their structure is relatively sturdy, you don't end up with massive quantities of cereal dust at the bottom of your box. A family-sized box of Chex that I just finished while writing this produced about 1/4 cup of cereal debris. 1/4 cup out of approximately 17 cups of cereal. I'm not good at math but that seems like a pretty good deal.

In conclusion, Chex is the best cereal. Go buy some. If you do, I promise next week's blog post will be more interesting. See you next week. Be good. Make art.