How Satanism Taught Me to Love Myself

I held a Twitter poll on Monday asking you guys what you'd like me to write about. Here are the results:

As you can see I ended up with a tie. So, naturally, I picked the topic with the fewest votes. Why? Partly because I like being contrary, partly because it seemed like a fun alternative to traditional tie-breaking methods, and finally because it keeps with the self-love theme I've been accidentally doing this month.

That's right. Grab your bats, lads. We're not done beating this dead self-love horse after all.

So, What, You Worship the Devil?

Not exactly. Before I go on, let's clarify some things about Satanism. Just like any other religion, there are multiple sects of Satanism, and they're all pretty different from one another in terms of theology and practice. Some Satanists believe that Satan is a real entity. Others (like me) believe in Satan as more of a symbol. Some believe in magic while others don't. NONE of them believe in child sacrifice, cannibalism, or blood orgies. Satanism likely has its fair share of crazies and extremists, but I would argue that it just serves as proof positive that Satanism is a valid religion, since every religion has its fair share of crazies and extremists. Westboro Baptist CHURCH, anyone?

The two major branches of Satanism, or at least the two I know best, are LaVeyan Satanism (The Church of Satan) and The Satanic Temple, which is less mystical and more political. There are more, like the Temple of Set and The Order of the Nine Angels, but I neither know much nor care about them. This ThoughtCo article is a good primer for those who want to know more. 

My background is in LaVeyan Satanism, and I'm still quite inexperienced. I've only really started consuming Satanic literature within the past couple months. So, head's up, that's where I'm coming from in this article.

My Relationship with Satan

Like most kids who went through a goth phase in high school, my first encounter with Satanism was as a teenager. My cousin got a copy of The Satanic Bible that I paged through and found enticing, if for no other reason than I thought the iconography was cool. My interest pretty much stopped there, though. I was fifteen. The only books I cared about were Harry Potter and Maximum Ride.

What drew me back to Satanism was a random wiki walk. I couldn't remember the name of The Satanic Temple and I didn't know the difference between them and LaVeyan Satanism. Before I knew it, I was balls-deep in Satanic literature and hunting down a copy of The Satanic Temple's "holy book," Revolt of the Angels (which was conveniently on Serial Reader), which gets the Ghost Malone Award for the Most Obnoxious Flowery Language in All of Literary History. And yes I'm including Gerard Manley Hopkins, who I also hate. Revolt's story was good, though. I think it'd make a good movie.

Anyway, once I finished Revolt, I tackled The Satanic Bible next. It was way harder to find a copy of that in my conservative Ohio suburban town (go figure!) so I ended up pirating a copy. Luckily, pirating books doesn't go against my religion. ;) 

I was honestly expecting not to enjoy it. I went into the book with the firm belief that LaVey was a massive tool with delusions of grandeur and I figured his book would read that way. In many ways, it did. But the sheer amount of mind-blowing wisdom buried within the bullshit surprises me even now, weeks later. 

Satanism empowered me. It helped me rationalize my needs and desires and reaffirmed that my business is nobody's problem as long as I'm not hurting anybody. It's taught me to celebrate my humanity instead of resenting it. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. As it turns out, The Satanic Bible is just as much a religious text as it is a self-help book. Eckhart Tolle, eat your heart out.

Here's a highlight reel of what I learned.

The Church of Satan's Nine Satanic Statements

Satanism Focuses on the Here and Now

A lot of religions focus mostly on preparing your spirit for the afterlife. Christianity tells you not to sin or you'll go to Hell. Hinduism tells you not to sin or karma will punish you. Even Buddhism tells you that if you don't let go of all the things you're attached to you'll be doomed to an eternity of shitty reincarnations instead of achieving Nirvana.

But what if you don't believe in an afterlife? What if you don't even care?

Satanism believes that your mortal existence is FAR more important than what comes after. After all, we don't even know if there IS an after! We have no idea what that after is if it does exist. For all we know, death is just followed by darkness of which we'll never be conscious. The deepest of sleeps.

So, does it really make sense to focus on something that might not exist, especially when we have needs right now? I say fuck Heaven or Hell, let's deal with life on Earth first! There's over 7 billion of us and we all have like 80 years of time to kill. We might as well do something meaningful with that time.

Satanism Recognizes that Helping Everyone Helps You

Satanists can be both theistic or atheistic (I'm the latter). But the primary "god" of all Satanic belief systems is YOU. You personally. The individual Satanist. You are your own god! You are the most powerful being in your life and you deserve worship and adoration from people who make you happy. How fucking empowering and amazing is that?

It's completely fair at this point to believe that Satanists are self-absorbed assholes and you would probably be right in many cases. But a proper Satanist, including LaVey himself, recognizes that we as individuals don't exist in a vacuum. Satanism is a religion that celebrates ALL aspects of humanity, including our relationships and places in greater society. Freedom of personal expression, sexual freedom, and basic human rights are all threads of the Satanic tapestry. Half of The Satanic Temple's Seven Tenets are all about believing in everyone's individual right to live exactly as they are as long as they're not hurting anybody. The fourth of LaVey's Nine Satanic Statements expresses the exact same idea: 

Satan represents kindness to those who deserve it instead of love wasted on ingrates!

Granted, LaVey is a little more aggressive about it, but I'd argue that he's right. There's no point in going out of your way to be nice to someone who is never going to be nice to you. You're just wasting your energy. To quote LaVey again, "don't waste your time with people who will ultimately destroy you, but concentrate instead on those who will appreciate your responsibility to them, and, likewise, feel responsible to you."

Satanism Believes Questioning Everything, Including Satanism

Curiosity and skepticism are two vital aspects of Satanic belief. LaVey understood that time changes everything and our species's survival depends on changing, too. To accept things as they are is to stunt the growth of civilization. Revolt of the Angels by Anatole France centers entirely on this idea. One of the main characters is an angel named Arcade who decides to orchestrate a second uprising against God after finding enlightenment in the personal library of an aristocratic French family circa the French Revolution.

Much as I hated how needlessly fluffy the writing is (it's a product of its time I GUESS), Revolt told an amazing story with a philosophical backbone made of titanium. I won't spoil the ending but Lucifer turns out not to be a tempter or evil being but a deeply introspective and curious angel shot down by a belligerent and megalomaniac god.

And not for nothing, but I've been reading the Old Testament on Serial Reader (this is starting to sound like a commercial for them lmao), and that God is waaay more like France's depiction than any other I've seen.

Satanism Assured Me That Suffering Is Natural but Not the Norm

My adolescence was not easy and the things I went through shaped a lot of my early adulthood and still touch parts of my identity to this day. Saying my relationship with my late father was tumultuous would be putting it mildly. I'm not ashamed to admit that when he died the summer I graduated high school, the first thing I felt was relief. Relief for myself at first but also for him, in a way. He suffered terribly at the end of his life and the vast majority of his abuse was a side-effect of that suffering. That doesn't make it right, but it does make it easier to reconcile and forgive now that he's been a pile of ashes of almost ten years.

Life is unfair and sometimes it's cruel. There's nothing we can do about that. But that doesn't mean we have to like it. That doesn't mean we shouldn't strive to make things better. And it sure as hell doesn't mean we should just lie down and accept the things that cause us pain unless there's a really damn good reason for it. Like, for example, getting vaccinated despite the momentary discomfort and factually nonexistent chance of developing autism. Or participating in the democratic system that depends on universal participation in order to function healthily despite the inconvenience or feeling of ennui. Go fucking vote.

In fact, not only should we strive to amend unnecessary suffering in our lives, Satanism encourages the active seeking of things that make us feel good. LaVey wanted us to fill our lives with things that spark joy just as much as Marie Kondo does now. He was just way weirder about it.

Thanks, Satan!

I've learned a lot about personal development and human behavior in the past one and a half years as a Fabulous blog writer. So much of the first half of The Satanic Bible jives completely with the philosophies of some of my favorite behavioral scientists like Brené Brown and Dan Ariely. There's also a correlation to the Stoic philosophy of ancient Greece (something I've written about for work), that believes in self-awareness and a constant strive for personal improvement. 

Despite being a tool and a DEFINITE product of his time, LaVey really hit the nail on the head with his major religious beliefs and I take pride in aligning myself with them. I disagree with about as much of The Satanic Bible as I agree with--if you ask me, everything after "The Book of Earth" is unnecessary fluff and hyper-mystical bullshit--but not only is that okay, my eye-rolling was preemptively encouraged by the man himself right in the book. He wouldn't want us to take his word for granted. Satanism encourages challenges and, when necessary, change.

I think that's ultimately what won me over. In my mind, Satanism consists of three pillars (an Unholy Trinity, if you will): Self-actualization, Education, and Humanity. And frankly, those are thee major beliefs I can absolutely get behind.

Plus, I still think the iconography is cool. Turns out it actually wasn't a phase, Mom. It is, in fact, who I am.

Be good. Make art. Hail Satan.

Take Care of Your Beautiful Goddamn Self for Once: A Self-Care Resources Roundup

So you may have noticed I changed my blog name. The shortest answer to why is that I’m still trying to figure myself out and I like this new name more. That’s all I have to say about that. Let’s get to the good stuff.

I didn't mean for February to be a month-long celebration of self-love on this blog but now that I have the idea I'm choosing to run with it. I also hope no one minds that I’m phoning it in a bit this week. I’m just working through some shit. You know how it goes.

Ayway, for this week I'm going old-school with another roundup. This time, I'm showcasing all of the resources I've ever used and gotten use out of when it comes to taking care of myself. I'm including (Android)¹ apps, websites, books, and any other odds and ends I can think of. If I've consumed it and it made me a better person, it's on here.

Let’s Ride.

Android Apps

Booster Buddy

Free-ninety-nine. A Canadian-based app where you do self-care or CBT activities to care for a virtual animal buddy.

Calm

Free but also has a paid subscription. A meditation app and website that I honestly just use for the soundscapes because they're gorgeous.

Insight Timer

A meditation app on steroids. There's something for everyone.

Fabulous

Free but also has a paid subscription. A digital life coach and habit tracker. I like it so much I got a job with the development company!

(Offtime)

Free as hell. Pauses notifications and blocks app usage for timed periods so you can focus on other things.

Websites

You Feel Like Shit

An interactive self-care guide/flowchart geared toward those with mental illness.

7 Cups

A mental health-focused social platform with one-on-one support chat, guided and unguided group chats, and even a (paid) therapy service. Also has an app.

Emotional Baggage Check

Anonymously vent to a stranger and receive advice in return. Or, you can receive other people’s “baggage” and give support.

Psychology Tools

A free compendium of CBT worksheets and other therapy resources.

Written? Kitten!

A basic word processor that rewards wordcount milestones with pictures of kittens. Now also features puppies and bunnies.

Open Puppies

Random puppy gifs.

MyNoise

Free MASSIVE database of sound generators. A one-time donation of any value unlocks a gazillion bonus features forever. I've personally corresponded with the creator, Dr. Stephane Pigeon, and am in MyNoise's top 1% of donors. I can't recommend MyNoise enough. Also has an app.

Habitica

Free with some paid features. Habit tracker and to-do list with RPG character development elements. Oodles of fun. Also has an app.

No More Ramen

Easy, budget-friendly recipes for people with no time, no energy, and no money. Very disability-friendly. Run by an angel.

Books

Feeling Good (David D. Burns, M.D.)

Dr. Burns didn’t invent cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) but he is the guy who made it famous. His book, Feeling Good, is specifically designed to be a manual for patients to read. He's even tested its effectiveness; people who read his book tend to feel better after, especially when it's used as a supplement for talk therapy. But when that's not possible, Feeling Good is a scientifically-backed great place to start. You can also view his TEDx talk about CBT here.

On Writing (Stephen King)

As a long-time struggling writer, Stephen King's On Writing was like a hug with words. I come from a big family of King fans but have only read a couple of his books myself. I finally get the appeal now. I have a list of King books on my to-read list now.

The Social Leap (William von Hippel)

The story of the evolutionary history of humans. This may seem like a weird entry but von Hippel's use of evolutionary science to explain human behavior brings about some remarkable insights.

Everything Else

The Best Bedtime Setup Money Can Buy

Listen. You spend a third of your life asleep. You owe it to yourself to get the best sleep you possibly can. Be a cheap bastard in all other aspects of your life but for the love of Lucifer give your bedroom the attention it deserves. Good mattress. Better pillows. Blackout curtains. Gentle alarms. Do it all and more.

Self-Dates

Being a bit of a lifelong word nerd, I definitely have favorite words. One of them is a word I learned about a couple years ago: Masturdating. The fine art of taking yourself on a date. You don’t need other people to have a good time; take yourself out to lunch or go to the movies. Enjoy some time alone. Learn to love yourself. It’s what RuPaul would want.

Final Thoughts

I think I've finally beaten the self-care horse hard enough. I have no plans for next week's post right now so feel free to suggest something in the comments or on Twitter, @ghost_h_malone. I usually try to have a topic solidified by the end of Monday. Maybe I'll do a poll. Polls are fun.

Anyway, see you next week. Be good. Make art.

Footnotes:

1: Many of these may also be on iOS, I just don't know because I don't have an Apple device. Sorry. I'd look them up but... well, I'm equal parts lazy and petty and when I research apps, other bloggers usually do the opposite. So put that in your frappuccino and suck it, Apple users.

Ghost Malone's DEFCON 1 Self-Care Survival Guide: Part 2

So last week I posed the first part of a self-care guide for when you’re at the bottom of your personal Pit of Despair and just need a metaphorical log to keep you afloat. Hopefully, now that you’re here, you’re reading to move onto part 2 of our multi-part Pit of Despair Escape Plan. Hooray!

If you’re not ready, though, don’t beat yourself up. Just keep handling Part 1 stuff and feel free to read this as a means of looking ahead. Getting better doesn’t happen overnight. Even the common cold stays with you for at least a week.

Once you’re fed, watered, and rested, you can start turning your attention to tackling things that actually feel as beneficial to your well-being as they are. It’s understandably hard to see how a glass of water can cure your depression (spoiler alert: It won’t because mental illness is more nuanced than that) but the activities I list below have measurable, quantifiable benefits to your health. They’re the next stepping stone out of the Pit and into Functioning Adult Land.

Easy Mode

The first batch of suggestions I’m making are things that cost relatively few spoons. Your mileage may vary regarding how much you can accomplish but the bare minimum versions are a perfectly fine start.

レッツ スタート!

Good Hygiene

When you’re rolling in the dirt of your Pit of Despair, you could likely not give a single fuck about how you look or smell, and understandably so. You have more important things to worry about, after all, like not dying.

But now that you’re beyond the tyranny of the moment, you might want to hop in the shower, because you probably do stink.

I’m not trying to say that you need to be prim and pressed at all times in order to be a functioning adult. As if! What I am saying, however, is that you’ll feel better after you rinse all that residual Pit of Despair grime off of you.

If showers are beyond you right now, find the middle ground. Wash your face and brush your teeth. Run a brush through your hair. Hell, hit your Tits, Pits, and Naughty Bits with a couple of baby wipes.¹ Do what you can with what you have. That’s the lesson I really want you to take away from all this.

Stretching and Massages

You probably haven’t been moving around too much between all the resting I asked you to do and all the the time you had to spend in bed with The Sads™. That’s okay! Your body probably needed it. Taking time to get that rest is part of what all those hippie self-care gurus call listening to your body. You were tired, so you rested. Good job!

This isn't the pic I wanted but now that I know it exists it sure as hell is the pic you're getting.

But you’re probably sore and stiff now. You might have even been sore and stiff before your rest period. That is also completely understandable.

Full-on exercise might be out of the question but I highly recommend you at least start moving your body around a little. Stretching is perfect for this; you don’t even have to leave your bed to get a couple good stretches in. I’d even also recommend massaging yourself to help loosen up all that stiffness.

Or, get someone else to massage you, I guess, if you’re of those fancy assholes with money or friends.

IMPORTANT NOTE: Artists and writers are especially susceptible to wrist and elbow problems due to the nature of our work! Please please please, for the love of Satan himself, make wrist stretches a regular part of your daily routine. I highly recommend starting with this Allegiance Health video that shows you a few basic moves. It’s part of a larger playlist that addresses all your joints, so if you have other joint discomfort-related needs, check out the other videos, too!

Hobbies

One of the worst obstacles I’ve faced while Freelancing While Sick is figuring out how to justify my personal time while knowing I could be working. I feel like I should be hustling 24/7 because I’m not in a financial position to slack, even for a second.

But the “hustle or die” culture we live in is a bunch of unsustainable bullshit. It’s a mindset we’ve collectively cultivated due to everyone but a couple dozen people being completely fucked by the modern western economic model. All of us unlucky bastards are stuck scrambling for better and more efficient ways to get the few crumbs we’re offered while people like Bill Gates and Jeff Bezos hoard more money than their entire family could reasonably spend in one lifetime like the crusty old (and white) (and male) dragons² they are.

It’s cruel and unfair but this reality makes it that much more important that you carve out time for yourself. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: You need rest. Your body, your mind, and your spirit (or consciousness or whatever you wanna call it) all need time to unplug and decompress from the demands of your life, now more than ever.

So, do something you love. And fuck everyone who tries to stop you. Especially Jeff Bezos.

Meditation/Mindfulness

Let me stop you before you can fire up your angry comment soundboards. I’m not stupid and I assume you aren’t either. When I say you should consider meditating, I’m not saying it’s going to cure all your problems and I’m not saying it’s got anything to do with spirituality or mysticism or any bullshit like that.

When I suggest meditation, I’m suggesting it from a psychological and physiological point of view. Taking deliberate time to relax your mind and focus on your breathing is good for you. And the best part of meditation is that it’s highly customizable. You can meditate in silence, to music, to a guided meditation program, or to the sound of your Tibetan singing bowl if you’re that person. If you have no idea where to start, I highly recommend Palouse’s 8-week Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction course. It’s 900% free and will teach you everything you need to know.

If meditation specifically isn’t your bag, try just injecting some mindfulness into your everyday life. Try to put yourself into the present moment 100%. Engage all your senses the next time you do the dishes or work on an art project. The most important part of mindfulness is getting out of that dark corner of your mind where all the bad thoughts are and into a calmer, more productive mental space.

Expert Mode

For this tier, I’ll recommend things that might require more time, energy, and money than what may currently be at your disposal. If you can do these things, however, you absolutely should.

Exercise

Our bodies were made to move. We evolved in the African savannah to walk and run long distances, swim across rivers, and throw rocks at predators. We needed those things to survive.

The good news is we don’t really have to throw rocks to scare off threats anymore (though sometimes I wonder if we should start again). The bad news is your body still wants to move around on a fairly regular basis or it will get fat and sad. Trust me. I’m sedentary and I am also fat and sad. I also thought there was no way exercise would make me feel better emotionally until I tried it and it worked. Fuck me, right?

A hard but satisfying workout floods your body with feel-good hormones like dopamine, a powerful weapon in your fight against Despair. It also increases your overall health, which will make you feel physically better in the long run. How you choose to work out is up to you. Go for a run, lift some weights, or just dance around your room in your underwear while screaming along to Kim Petras songs. The best exercise routine is the one you’ll stick with. So do what you love.

Outside/Nature

Did you know the Japanese have a word for nature walks? They call it shinrin-yoku, or “forest bathing,” and the Japanese government popularized the practice in the late 80s to early 90s as a public health initiative.

The simple fact is that spending time in nature is good for you. Tiptoeing through the tulips can lower your blood pressure, reduce the amount of stress hormones in your body, and even boost your immune system. All of which are magnificent stat boosts to your mental health.

But don’t be mindless about it. Don’t just get into nature, engage with it. Listen for birds. Smell the air. Take your time with it. And maybe knock back a couple of antihistamines before you go if you’re, like me, allergic to every plant and animal.

Medical Assistance

This is going to be another one of those instances where I suggest you do as I say and not as I do. When you’re suffering, getting medical help can be the most effective way to alleviate that suffering. A therapist can help you unravel all those bullshit thoughts in your head that are keeping you down. A psychiatrist can deduce the perfect cocktail of drugs to keep your brain chemistry on the up and up. Hell, even a routine visit from your primary care doctor might reveal an underlying physical health problem, like an underactive thyroid.

So, if you have the means, please see a doctor, if for no other reason than I am not a doctor and can’t help you the way a medical professional can. Just because I have an experience-based distrust of the doctors in my particular area should not dismiss all the actually good doctors and nurses out there that genuinely want to help. It might take a while to find a doctor you feel comfortable with but try not to let that discourage you. Like finding the perfect Tumblr theme, it’ll be worth sorting through all the bullshit in the end.

What Now?

This concludes my DEFCON 1 Self-Care Survival Guide. Next week, I’ll be doing another roundup, this time of self-care resources that I personally use (or have used). Because I am both broke as hell and a cheap bastard, these resources will either be free or close to it.

If there is only lesson you learn walking away from this guide, it’s that the quickest way to getting better is playing the hand you’re dealt to the best of your ability. There is no one-size-fits-all cure for mental illness because we are all unique in our circumstances and our problems. What works for me might be completely useless for you. The suggestions I’ve listed in this and last week’s posts are, in my experience, universally beneficial, but they’re only the beginning. Remember, this is DEFCON 1. This is the bare minimum you need to achieve basic human functioning. Beyond this point, your self-care needs are going to become highly individualistic. It’s also going to change over time.

Just remember to do your best with what you have. That’s the secret to getting better: focusing on what you can control and working within the guidelines set by the universe.

I’ll see you next week. Be good. Make art.

Footnotes:

1: I very recently found out that this is called an Ohio Shower and as an Ohioan I have never felt so seen and so called out at the same time.

2: Leave it to rich old white dudes to somehow make dragons gross and uninteresting.

Ghost Malone's DEFCON 1 Self-Care Survival Guide: Part 1

As I mentioned in my last post, I have a bit of background in personal development. My day job is writing a blog for a personal development app. I mostly do self-help book summaries these days but I’ve written articles about everything from cognitive behavioral therapy to the nutritional virtues of bananas. Really.

One thing that’s awesome about writing for a personal development company is that you learn a lot about… well, personal development. This couldn’t have come at a better time for me, who upon gaining this job was fresh out of college and, frankly, not developing personally. I felt lost and stuck and, in true scientist fashion, began testing everything I wrote about on myself. I’ve tried all the hippy-dippy self-help advice from all the hippy-dippy self-help books. I sifted through tons of dirt to extract nuggets of insight profound enough to be worth the trouble. And I discovered that I don’t really like bananas. It’s a texture thing.

Most importantly, however, I’ve learned—or at least am learning—how to deal with what I call the Pit of Despair. I think everyone has one, though the feelings it evokes might vary from person to person. Having been dealing with my own mental health demons for most of my post-pubescent life, I’m intimately familiar with my own Pit of Despair. It feels like being trapped at the bottom of my emotional well. It’s dark and dirty and smelly and there’s no way out. Not even passersby to hail for help. Not even Lassie.

The thing is, though, is that there is a way out of the Pit. It’s not always easy but it can be done. You might fall back in again (I do on the regular honestly) but climbing out will get easier with practice. So will making sure you have tools and a plan in place when you do.

This post is the first of a several-part series I’ll be writing (because I’m too wordy as it is and I’d hate to make you read like 5000 words all at once) on how to do just that. I’m calling it the DEFCON 1 Self-Care Survival Guide because chances are, if you’re here reading this, your personal alert system is either at DEFCON 1, or it should be. You, like me so many times before, may have found yourself face-first at the bottom of your emotional well and are sensing no way out. I hope with this post to roll you onto your back and show you the sky above because it’s out there.

We’re going to be tapping into your Lizard Brain this week. I’m going right to the absolute basics. If you’re starting from absolute zero, this is the post for you. If you want to feel better and climb out of your PoD, the following four items are required. Learn them. Study them. Love them. Appease the Lizard Brain.

Fluids

You will notice here that I do not say “water.” Water is one of the best things you can do for your body that requires virtually no effort. It’s relatively easy to access and unlikely to make you sick when consuming it (although your mileage may vary in America). And whether you want to hear it or not, good hydration is the most basic survival skill you need in your toolkit. Dehydration kills in a matter of days. Your body is 60% water. You need water.

But here’s the rub: Water is boring. And some water is unpalatable at best and flat-out gross at worst. My aunt had well water that smelled and tasted like actual sewage. Some people have tap water so toxic they can light it on fire. I begrudge no one the right to refuse a glass.

Luckily, water exists in more than just its natural form. Broth or tea,¹ both hot and iced, are cheap, fantastic, and relatively non-threatening ways to get your hydration fix. Vegetable broth in particular can add some much-needed nutrition to your diet, which can be useful if you have no appetite or are having trouble keeping food down.

Look, I’m not your mom. It’s not my job to police what you put in your body (frankly, I can barely police myself most days). The cost/benefit analysis ultimately falls upon your shoulders. I’m not going to judge you if the only thing you can stomach is purple Kool-Aid or Cherry Vanilla Diet Dr. Pepper.² You probably know as well as anyone that sugary drinks are not ideal. But it’s a hell of a lot better than drinking nothing at all and fucking dying.

The easiest way to tell if you’re hydrated is to check your urine. Aim for light yellow to clear. Anything darker than a glass of lemonade and you better drink up, punk.

Rest

This is one of those suggestions people who suffer from anxiety or burnout tend to balk at the most. As someone who’s been struggling with burnout since they graduated high school a decade ago, I sympathize. When you feel like you’re working 25 hours a day, 8 days a week and you’re still not getting by, being told to stop and do nothing is like being told to unplug your own life support machine.

I’m sorry to be that guy, but I have to be that guy. Unplug the life support machine. Go to bed.

The thing about sleep is it’s the one healthy habit that has no shortcuts. If you’re an average person—and believe it or not, most of us are—then you’re going to need seven to nine hours of nightly sleep. Sorry. Them’s the breaks.

There are ways to improve the quality of your sleep, though. Minimizing your exposure to blue light, which messes with your circadian rhythm, is both one way. Making sure your room is dark and devoid of distractions when it’s bedtime is another way. Finally, try to minimize the number of things you do in your bed. Beds should be for sleep and sex. Or, if you don’t do sex, feel free to substitute with cuddling stuffed animals, listening to soothing podcasts, or meditating.

If you’re still tired when you wake up after 9+ hours of sleep or sleeping during the day, there might be something more sinister at play. It could be a sleep disorder. It could also be a bad mattress. Both are worth looking into and, if possible, fixing. My grandpa Joe Courtney was a hardcore Tough Blue-Collar Manly Man, the kind that seemed to enjoy suffering. He hated a lot of things, especially spending money. But he always believed you should invest in a good pair of shoes and a good mattress, because if you’re not in one, you’re most likely in the other.

Nutrients

I’m going to use the same disclaimer I used above: I’m not your mom. Eat whatever won’t make you want to throw yourself off a bridge. But please eat something. Preferably protein and vegetables.

Protein will help you feel fuller for longer, which means you can eat less of it if your stomach is hurting or you’re queasy. Vegetables are not only nutrient-dense, they contain carbs, which your brain needs for functioning. A little bit of unsaturated fat, like an oil-based salad dressing or some kind of nut butter, will also help you feel full and make your brain happy.

But start where you are. Find the compromise between healthy and manageable. For me, that’s standard lunch fare: Soup, salads, and sandwiches. They’re the perfect union of easy for me and healthy.

Another thing that’s saved my bacon more than once is the almighty slow cooker. Between my volatile energy levels and having to share a trailer-sized kitchen with four other people, I rarely have both the time and ability to cook proper meals. However, I can easily sneak into the kitchen first thing in the morning, toss a bunch of ingredients that I prepped earlier into the slow cooker, and have a hot meal by the time I get home from whatever I have to do that day.

Finally, do what you can to avoid highly-processed foods. They’re easy and they last forever but they’re not going to make you feel any better. In fact, you’ll most likely still feel hungry. If you’re absolutely stuck with processed foods, try to add healthier supplements to them. Crack an egg into your instant ramen. Mix some salsa and taco meat into your Kraft mac and cheese. It doesn’t have to be Instagram-worthy. Hell, it doesn’t even have to look or sound appetizing. If it’s nourishing and you’ll eat it, that’s all that matters right now.

Company

I’m a pretty solitary person by nature. My social habits are not unlike a standard house cat’s. I’ll seek out attention when I want it and, when I feel I’ve received enough, will swat everyone away, retreat to my high shelf or cat tower, and judge whoever walks by from a safe and comfortable distance.

When I fall into a Pit of Despair, however, that quality amplifies itself a hundredfold. I don’t just retreat, I flat-out isolate. I won’t respond to people talking to me in-person. I’ll stop answering messages. I even have a hard time reading books because a real person had to write them and I don’t want to acknowledge that other people exist. For some reason, cognitive dissonance kicks in for video games. Maybe it’d be the reverse if I were a game designer.

Let me be clear here: Do as I say, not as I do. Isolation is unhealthy. Humans have evolved over tens of thousands of years to interact and cooperate with each other. It’s why solitary confinement is considered a form of torture. We need other people to be happy and well-adjusted. That’s a fact, Jack.

So, go find some. You don’t have to dump your feelings onto them (unless you want to and they wanna hear it). It doesn’t even have to be a meaningful conversation. Chat with your local Starbucks barista about the weather. Engage in friendly banter with strangers playing your favorite online game. Hell, shoot me a message on Twitter. Remind yourself that you’re not alone. Other people exist and even if we can’t fix your problems, we care about you. That’s a fact, too.

What Now?

For the very first time in Pro Creator history, I’m giving you homework, dear reader. Your homework is to work on these four elements of DEFCON 1 self-care to the best of your ability. Experiment with how to align these cornerstones of health with your lifestyle. Find the compromise. There is always an acceptable compromise. And you can always change as you change. Maybe all you can choke down is Gatorade and Cheez-its right now but that might not be true in three days. Keep experimenting. Figure out your hurdles and plan ways to jump over them.

I ask you to do this even if you aren’t currently at the bottom of your PoD. In fact, I suggest you do these things when you are feeling good, because that’s when you’re going to make habits out of them. Think about it like this: If you’re an athlete, you practice outside of games, right? Or maybe you’re an artist; presumably, you don’t just make professional work all the time, you practice your craft with life drawing or still life studies, yes? Because you know that training in a controlled setting will help you for the real thing later. The same thing applies to self-maintenance.

I’d like to leave you with a clip from the West Wing that I was thinking about as I wrote this blog post. Josh Lyman, the younger man in the clip, has recently suffered a traumatic experience, and during this episode he is diagnosed with PTSD. Leo, the older man, is a recovering alcoholic who had been nudging Josh toward recovery for a while. This clip takes place after Josh’s first therapy session.

Next week, we’ll move beyond the absolute bare minimum and into things that require more effort but also reap greater rewards. Until then, be good, and never stop creating.

Footnotes:

1: Fun fact, I almost started a blog about tea because I enjoy drinking it so much. I was going to review teas I could find at the grocery store (mostly my favorite brand, Celestial Seasonings) and post little history articles. But I didn’t have my heart in it and it never took off.

2: I worked with a woman who could only drink this when she was pregnant. Everything else made her sick. She was a woman obsessed, too.